When you search online for ‘female lack of Sexual Desire’ almost every top site will talk to you about things that do affect women sexually; and in this case, your sexual desire.
When you read what their ‘solutions’ are to your “problem or disorder”, it’s easy to believe what they say since it makes sense. But then I find myself asking 2 key questions, what and why.
What is actually causing a female lack of sexual desire?
Why are women the most affected by this?
When have you seen a man having trouble with their desire? With ED, plenty. A lack of sexual desire, rarely, if at all. You are most likely going to hear a why are men so horny, before you hear anything about them struggling with this issue like you ladies.
What I disagree with is that they are trying to solve a ‘’problem” at the symptom level; if this is happening, take this. If something else happens, then take that other stuff. But nothing seems to help, change, or solve the actual issue, a female’s lack of sexual desire!
Why aren’t we looking deeper at the root of the “problem”; understanding its cause and what is really happening behind the scene. When we take this step, we can do 2 vital things:
We are healthy, normal, and beautiful. May I add, quite irresistible to please, pleasure, and satisfy..?
If we want different results, we have to change our approach. We have to start understanding the difference between men and women and sex. And that begins with going from our present “standard narrative” of spontaneous desire – things happening now, out of the blue – to responsive desire – things happening after sexier things are already happening.
The first, spontaneous, is going from cold to Hot & Ready, being pushed to instantly want sex because they feel a rush of High Heat, like a microwave.
The second, responsive, is a slooow, gradual heat that warms you up and pulls you in seductively enticing ways. Inviting and welcoming the next steps that lead to the more you want & desire; like preheating your oven.
This change in approach creates a sexier context. It sets an environment that is safe, erotic, romantic, and highly affectionate while placing you in a more sensually delicious state; where you feel loved, seen, cared for, and emotionally close.
An important part is that it melts your stress away from life events and what may be going on inside you. Reassuring you that you are beautiful the way you are and exquisitely irresistible to please, pleasure, and satisfy. Placing you in a state where you feel he couldn’t think about doing anything else other than being here, like this with you; truly enjoying every second of it.
You’re left trying to deal with more and more stress, noise from unresolved issues, and the emotional baggage of life weighing you down; which creates a chaos inside that you wish you could talk to someone about but that someone doesn’t know how to be there for you in the way you most need them to.
This roller coaster ride keeps you inside your head wondering what to do while feeling alone, misunderstood, neglected, and emotionally disconnected from them. The awful and dreadful misunderstanding is that they are under the impression that they can “fix” and make the situation better by wanting and pursuing sex.
As a consequence, it makes you feel pushed to have sex you don’t presently want. Which doesn’t make you feel good at all and much worse when the sex you’re about to have is not even close to being pleasurable at all.
Plain bad sex that rarely considers what you like & want. The unfortunate part is that you are left feeling like there’s something wrong with you for not liking or wanting this kind of sex.
Where did your desire go? It ran away to hibernate far away from this damn place. Can you blame it? This is why I continue to say, this isn’t your fault. This is a no win situation for you.
Begin to understand women’s sexuality and how your sexual response system works. I’m inviting you to get to know yourself; your sexual personality. And part of this process is knowing what desire isn’t and what’s not likely causing your lack of sexual desire.
1. Desire is not a drive – because a drive is meant to push you to survive. You want to be pulled by an attractive stimulus to want sex. That means it’s an incentive. You get motivated to move towards something you want. We’ll talk more about how you have control over this system inside you. Once you understand how this system works, you’ll see that..
2. Most likely hormones have nothing to do with a female lack of sexual desire. This is where context – your internal state & environment – influence how you feel about wanting sex; your sexual desire.
3. Pink pills – have nothing to do with it and won’t help you like they do with men. The problem here is not solved by sending more blood to your genitals to turn you on. It doesn’t work like that for women. Your process is a lot more fun & pleasurable since it has more to do with what’s going on inside you than between your legs.
4. It can feel like monogamy and a long-term relationship – can do much to influence a female’s lack of sexual desire. But is our approach to sex in a relationship and something that Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, has called “the chasing dynamic” that does much of the harm. Good thing is that there are ways to sustain sexual desire in a committed relationship and we’ll talk about that too.
At this point, we’ll discuss what desire is, what is likely causing your trouble to get started and the female lack of sexual desire you experience.
Things like: stress, context, desire discrepancy “chasing dynamic”, body image, vaginal dryness, and difficulty reaching orgasm.
Once we understand that we can do things differently and change our approach, you’ll see and know how to increase your sexual desire all on your own and hopefully start having fun with your partner as well.
How do you feel about all this?
Would you like to know and better understand what desire isn’t?