Men and women experience sex and desire in different ways. You would think that in a world that looks to sexualize anything and everything it can, we would be waaay better at sex and more importantly, understand how to turn a woman ON!. Find better, more sensually seductive ways to increase her desire to want sex we both can enjoy.
Can men and women continue to approach sex in the same way and expect different results?
Short answer, no.
Longer answer, Ooh HEEEELL NO!!
If men and women and sex continue down the same path, we will keep facing the same problems you ladies face now; the annoying frustration wondering where your sexual desire went. And I can imagine that’s not fun at all!
So what’s going on..?
What does it say when it works for one, men, but not for the other, women? Definitely that there’s a problem; but not the one you women are made to believe.
What if part of the problem starts with not knowing how the female sexual response works and taking into consideration the variety of ways to experience desire? There are two main styles:
The “standard narrative”
The system is built around men’s sexuality; which means that things usually work more spontaneously: Even though this style can be approached differently, the way it’s normally done and how it feels is more like…
Things happen out of nowhere, almost instantly, without giving you much notice. It basically pushes you to be Hot & Ready without much going on. You are put on the spot. What moves this desire style forward is the anticipation of pleasure.
When it comes to men and women and sex, men are more visual;
so if they see something or someone they like, the brain picks up on the sexual cue and creates a mental fantasy of what can happen next.
Or if you playfully touch a guy on the arm and give him a certain sweet look, indirectly insinuate something sexual as a joke or do anything that can lead to sex, it gets registered as something pleasurable.
When this happens, it sparks and activates their sexual response system. They are ready to go!!, on the spot, and make something happen to fulfill that mental fantasy. And since men pick up so many sexual cues throughout the day, what do you think happens?
This is why we are left asking, why are me so horny?
Think of it like the “microwave effect”. What’s the fastest way to satisfy a craving or hunger?
The quickest and easiest way possible is to go to your fridge, take anything out, puncture a couple of holes on the film, high heat it for a few minutes, and… Beep, Beep, Beeeeeeeep!!!
Honey, dinner is served! ; )
Why wouldn’t you desire this kind of meal? It saved you time in thinking, in preparation, and in waiting for it to properly cook. What’s not to love about it?
I bet after a loooooooong day with so much on your mind, everything you had to get done and deal with, this is exactly what you were looking forward to getting home to and eating with the one you love.
Are you smiling right now, thinking I’ve gone a liiittle crazy?
Good!! Then, why should it be any different when it comes to sex?
And why should you feel bad and frustrated if you don’t desire - have “interest in” or “appetite for” - sex that feels like this; that tastes, starts and ends like a microwaveable “cooked” meal?
And even if you could get Hot & Ready in just a few minutes, would you enjoy and want that kind of sex? Where it feels like it’s a race to see how quickly you can go from cold, out of the fridge, to undressed and inside you for some hard pumps, in record time?
Sex shouldn’t be a 100m race where the first one to cross the line wins.
Where it makes you feel and believe that the faster and harder it happens, the better the experience. Hurry up! We’re almost there… Actually, he’s almost there! There’s no time to waste.
That is why it feels spontaneous, in the moment. Anything can trigger their sexual response creating an urge where it feels like that craving needs to be satisfied NOW; not later or take my time doing so.
Imagine that your partner knew you were going to have a hectic and busy day. And instead of texting you at 5:00pm “honey, what are you cooking for dinner tonight? I’m starving! Wink wink…”
He checks up on you, throughout the day, to see how you’re doing and how things are going. Then closer to the afternoon, tells you he will take care of dinner tonight. Just get home as soon as possible because he can’t wait to see you and hear about how your day went. You get home, open the door, and get the scent of dinner being prepared and not smoke from the kitchen burning down.
Greets you with an excited to see you hug & kiss, holds his look into your eyes and softly says, “dinner will be done in about an hour. Would you like a glass of wine and tell me ALL about your day?” Sits down across from you on the couch, brings your tired feet up, and gives you one heaven of a foot massage knowing they are probably killing you after wearing heels all day.
Whether sex happens or not, would you be more open and warmed up to the idea of it happening if you were treated this way?
This is responsive desire and it happens after sexy things are already happening. Basically, that your sexual desire awakens in response to pleasure.
Do things feel, smell, and taste better when taking the time to bake like this? How excited would you be to come home to a scenario like this?
And not just when there’s an appetite for sex, but knowing that preheating your oven this way, increases the desire to want more and maintains a healthy relationship as well.
Sure it takes more time in preparation, heating up, and proloooonging the adventure. But let’s think about how much fun & excitement can be created and shared when approached this way.
That your sexual desire responds to things being this way is completely normal and healthy. Most women want more; they want to be pulled towards desiring, wanting sex; and not just sex, the emotional connection that they can share with everything before, during, in between, and after the sex. Not just go with anything because it’s happening right now.
And that is the great difference and gap between men and women and sex that needs to be bridged in order to enjoy a more pleasurable sex life.
When that bridge isn’t built and crossed we end up wondering and asking, do women get horny? And it isn’t that you don’t get horny or not as much as men; we just haven’t approached you in ways that turn you ON!
Ladies want more of an enticing reason to continue, share, and open up. The sensual playfulness with your partner or who you’re interested in. Most women want to be looked at and appreciated, to be held and kissed, softly caressed, the pulling of each other’s bodies closer and closer while the conversation gets hotter and hotter.
And these are all things you should enjoy and feel fucking fantastic about..!
is that there’s a difference in desire styles. And instead of taking it into consideration and approaching a woman differently, we are kind of forcing you to be more like men. The “standard narrative” is triggered by a cue that something pleasurable can happen; the anticipation of an event.
Women require more desirable cues to build up the heat and allow them to respond to the pleasure created.
This desire discrepancy can create a “chasing dynamic” that puts your relationship into a tailspin. Adding to what already makes a woman feel like she lost her desire and likely causing her sexual desire trouble: feeling stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed by her day or things in life and being pushed to have sex. To be approached like a microwave and not cared for or be there for her emotional needs first. Like discussed in female lack of desire.
Taking care of yourself is a healthy response. You want to feel good about yourself and your life. And when you don’t, sex is the last thing on your mind, much less if you’re not warmed up to the idea of it. This is why conversations, that emotional connection, can be such a turn ON! and foreplay.
Maybe not right after, but later on. It’s an investment in your well-being that can pay off anytime, especially if they do this often. Consistently show you they care and that they are there for you. And if you continue to see this from them, would that change how you feel about your sexual desire?
Remember that even as men and women and sex share a contrasting sexual experience due to the difference in sexual desire styles, it is all a response to a cue. It may feel more spontaneous for some and more responsive for others just because of what needs to happen to get started.
What if we can bridge the gap between spontaneous and responsive desire?
Change the approach by taking the sexual cue that sparks a spontaneous response and use it in a way that gradually warms up and ignites your responsive desire?
Would you like to feel what that would be like?